OhLordy !
by Pixar
Summary: Hoss saves a life...but falls into a coma.


**Oh Lordy! **

by Kaci

**"Hoss don't!" Joe screamed as he saw his brother dive into the raging waters. Just as they had passed the lake, Hoss had heard a child screaming for help, without thinking he tried to save her. Hoss was swept down stream but was finally able to grab the girl's dress, pulling her into his arms. A rope was thrown in front of him with Joe pulling them to shore.**

"Oh Lordy, Joe, I did it! "

"Hoss. you're right brother! You saved that little girl..."

"I can't believe it, I thought I was a goner for sure." Hoss fell to his knees as the strain of swimming and holding onto the child in the raging current took hold of his body. "Oh...Lordy, I did it."

*******

The room was dark with shadows. The doctor had said Hoss was in a coma and might not recover but there was hope. Pneumonia had settled into Hoss' chest from the cold water. The men nodded and sat quietly by his bedside as Hoss drifted into the realm of memories.

_"Pa, thank you, I really like it." I tried to sound happy but a book wasn't what I wanted. I wanted those new big marbles from the settlement store. They were made of glass with swirls of color in them. Pa was use to buyin' books for Adam. Oh well, maybe next year I'll get those marbles. I wiped my eyes so I wouldn't look like a baby._ **Why does the pencil feels so heavy? Why is everything so vague as if I'm looking through a veil?**

"You're welcome, Hoss. I know you don't think you'll enjoy writing your thoughts but just give it time. I gave Adam a book just like this one and now he writes in it every night. And when Little Joe is older I will give him a book too." Pa slapped me on the back then gave me a big hug. "Remember Hoss when you write about your life... you keep it in your heart." Adam had been watching so after Pa left he handed me another present....my marbles. I grinned at him and Adam put a finger to his lips to motion me to be silent.

"That's from me little brother. Not for Little Joe so you best keep them close to you."

"Oh, Adam...it's all right if Little Joe plays with them. I'm really getting' to big for marbles....but I have to say I'm the best marble player at school."

That night I sat down with my Birthday Book. I couldn't help feeling it was just like schoolwork...and I can't wait to get rid of that chore, I opened the book but sat looking at it for a long time. I can't write like Adam, but I know Pa is goin' to ask me so here it goes.

Joe felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned into his father's chest crying the tears of the loved one that didn't understand why his brother should be taken from him. "Why did this happen? I don't understand why....no one is as good as Hoss. Nothing bad should ever happen to him." Little Joe spoke with a hiccup in his voice he had cried a river of tears during the last week. At first they thought everything was going to be fine....Hoss seemed okay, except for his cough....but the cough worsened and before long Hoss was having trouble breathing. Doc Martin came every day but Hoss deteriorated before their eyes.

_I'm writin' in my new book that Pa gave me. It has lots of pages but I'm sort of worried I won't be able to fill it up. I remember when Pa gave a book to Adam and old Adam he wrote in it ever night till he filled er up then he got another one and one after that. Adam is real smart. That's what Pa always says. Pa says this here book is for my private thoughts and no one will read it. That's good cause sometimes I don't have real kind thoughts, though most people don't know that. They think that things don't hurt my feelings, but deep inside I hurt real bad. But this book is for good thoughts too and I'm goin' try to write mostly them thoughts._ **This here pencil is mighty sharp. It will last a long time. **

This book was for my twelfth birthday. I had a great day, Little Joe was hopping' all over the place. You just can't keep that scamp down. Pa says he's filled with jumpin' beans and I believe it. Adam gave me new books....and a lariat, and a bag of marbles. Pa gave me a new pony, she's goin' to grow to be a big one cause Pa says I need to have a big horse cause I'm goin' to be a big man. Little Joe made me a picture he made himself....it's a picture of him. After I got thru laughin' I thanked him....that boy, he sure does love himself. Of course the best part was when Little Joe told me to keep it always near my heart...caused he loved me.

Well, I'm not much for writin' so I will talk to ya later, book.

*********

Hello book. I am sure tired. I worked out in the field today for twelve hours. I helped bring in the hay before it rained. We sure hurried so it didn't get wet. It had to go in the barn and Adam and I had all we could do to get it done. Sometimes farm work is fierce but Pa and Adam and Little Joe try to make me happy. We always eat dinner together at the table. And we have the best darn cook in the world. Hop Sing. I just always want him to be happy so he will never leave us. He fixes the best vittles in the world. Before he came, Pa sure didn't cook very good but now we eat like Kings ever night. I done told Hop Sing he was my favorite person in the world beside my family. I sure wish I could have some potatoes right now...I'm powerful hungry.

***********

It was a sad day today cause Adam left for the East. He'll be gone a long time and I ain't right sure he'll ever come home, maybe I should go join him....but I can't leave Little Joe, I have to show him things like Adam did for me.

_Adam wants to leave us real bad, but Little Joe and I didn't want him to go. I feel so alone...Adam has always been with me, from the first time I opened my eyes...he smiled at me and I was his brother. Course Pa he helped too, but it's funny cause it's always Adam I remember takin' my hand to go down the road. After my mother died.....my Mother Inger....Adam he done took over my life for me. Changin' my diapers, feedin' me....not nuthin' he didn't do for me. Now he's gone and Little Joe has been cryin' for hours. Pa has rocked Little Joe till he's done tuckered out. I have three empty holes in my heart now....Mother Inger, Mother Marie and Adam. It just ain't fair! Why do the good people die? Where is my Pa and Little Joe? _**Oh Lordy....life ain't fair. **

********

_Today, Little Joe did a bad thing. He done scared me so bad that I thought he was goin' to die. Every year Pa's hair gets grayer, I sure am worried about mine too. Today, Little Joe decided to climb the roof to see the old hoot owl in the tree, everyone knows if ya get close to an owl they fly away. But, of course, Little Joe didn't think of that....Pa says that Little Joe sometimes lacks common sense. I hate to believe it but it sure seems like Pa is right._ **This pencil never gets any lighter, why is that? Oh...Lordy, I'm tired tonight.**

Well, Little Joe he done climbed to the very top of the house then tried to climb the tree. Now that old owl was watchin' him the whole time...so as soon as Little Joe reached the branch the owl was on....she flapped her big wings and flew away to the barn roof. There she set all proud like and Little Joe got so mad he decided that she wasn't goin' get away with it. So he stands upon that roof and commences to have a tantrum. Now, Little Joe is known for his tantrums....he's been busted so many times by Pa that I have lost count. Well, there he was up there screaming at that old owl, who didn't care a fig, when Little Joe's foot slip's out and he starts' slidin down the roof screaming like a banshee, so Pa and I run outside to see Little Joe hangin' from the roof by his fingertips, bawlin' to beat the band. Pa turns as white as a sheet and just freezes for a minute, while I ran to the ladder, climbin' as fast as I can. I make my way to Little Joe just as his fingers start to give way....he's hangin' by the arm, but I have a firm grip on him....when my feet start to slide and I yell at Pa to catch him. Why Little Joe don't weigh nothin' at eight years old....so he drops plum into Pa's arms without nary a scratch. But I'm a slidin' on down and I yell at Pa to get out of the way, Pa does in the nick of time...and I drop to the ground with a bang! Yep...I thought I had done killed myself...the air all whisked out of my body and I couldn't breathe....Pa drops Little Joe and rushes to my side....afraid I had broke all the bones in my body....but right then I get a breath of air. Pa is feelin' me all over...but I speak up for the first time...."Pa...I'm afraid I broke my leg." Pa hugs me tight and carries me into the house callin' for Hop Sing to come quick. They send someone for the Doctor and Pa lays a cold wet cloth on my head and tells me to lay still. Little Joe is all big eyes that always turn dark green when he's upset so I tell him I am just fine....hey, a little old broke leg ain't nothin'. Little Joe nods as if I know what I'm talkin' about so he runs to the kitchen for a cookie for me. Well, to make the long story short, the Doc came and set my leg....I'm ashamed to say I yelled like a banshee but Pa says that a grown man even has to yell sometime. So, I will be in bed for several weeks then maybe on crutches. I'm sure glad Little Joe didn't fall off that roof cause he would have done killed himself.

************

_We just had a letter from Adam he sure seems like he's havin' a great time. He went with friends sailin' on the river. He talks a lot in those letters and Pa gets misty eyes every time we get one. He says that he is going with his friends to the Hamptons. I dont' know what that is but I'm just glad he's enjoyin' himself. He seems to like his Grandfather Stoddard. I wish I had a Grandfather,but Little Joe and I just got Pa and Adam. I do have a Uncle Gunner but I don't remember ever seein' him. So, Adam is talkin' like he would like to live in that old Boston and I can tell that Pa is real worried like but he tries to remain cheerful for Little Joe and me. I have noticed a change in Little Joe he ain't real excited no more when we get a letter from Adam. He just shrugs his shoulders and runs off to play when Pa reads Adam's letter aloud. I don't rightly know why he is actin' that way. _

***********

**"Pa, do you think he hears anything we say? Hop Sing is down in the kitchen cooking up some of Hoss's favorites....I told him he couldn't eat but he said it didn't matter, that Hoss would smell the food. I think Hop Sing is so upset he doesn't realize what he's doing."**

"Son, he's keeping busy, that's the best thing for right now. Why don't you go rest for a while, I'll stay with your brother."

"No, I can't leave him, Pa."

**This sure is a funny book. I felt like I wrote a ton of stuff but it never gets filled up.** _We were in town today and Pa said we had to take Little Joe with us. Now this is a big risky business cause you never know what Little Joe is goin' to do. He might get lost or have amnesia like he did in Chicago that time. He can be real scary like and you have to watch him ever minute. I plead with Pa to leave him at home with Hop Sing but old Hop Sing he says he's goin' be way to busy to watch number three son. I wish that Hop Sing would learn better English sometime. He sure can get mad in Chinese. So. Pa takes a deep breath and puts Little Joe in front of him on Buck and I ride my horse Chubby. We set off like the day is goin' to be fine but Pa and I are quakin' inside._ **I don't want to die....does God know that? **

At nine years old Little Joe is one tough little kid. He acts like he's the king of the roost. Pa always tells him that pride goeth before a fall, but Little Joe dont' believe none of that. He is a daredevil Pa says. He wants to ride his pony with us but Pa says a big no to that cause of what happened last time we went to the settlement. Joe started kickin' that pony so hard he took off like lightenin' and Pa speeded up old Buck but by then Little Joe was half way thru town, pulling down clean clothes off of clotheslines...then he went right thru the stable scaring all those horses in there, out the other side and we thought for sure he would have to stop cause he his pony went ride thru a stack of hay....but he kept plowin on. It sure was upsettin' but Pa was makin' headway when that durn pony just rears up tall and throws Little Joe thru a pane of glass in the new built mercantile store. Whooee...that Mr. Cass was hopin' mad. The noise was awful and Joe was a screechin' like he was killed...but you know what? Doc only had to put in a stitch or two and Little Joe was fine the next day. Pa held him all the way home while I led his tired pony behind me. One thing you can say for Little Joe he is always so sorry after somethin' happens. Pa didn't even bust his britches cause Little Joe might have died.

*********

_I got a package in the mail today from Adam. I was so excited I could barely contain myself. It was a big telescope and when you look through it you can see a far piece away. I told Little Joe to run to the edge of the barn and I looked through my telescope and I could see Little Joe like he was right next to me. My sixteenth birthday is like Christmas. Pa invited half the town to a barbeque and I got lots of presents. Pa gave me a new saddle with bridle. Little Joe he gave me new gloves and a new set of marbles. Adam sent me the telescope and a few books. I can't tell you how happy I was that day. The best news in the world happened too. Adam said he would be comin' home to us very soon. That was the best gol darn news we ever had. I wanted to talk to Little Joe about it, but he just said that's okay...and ran off to play. There is a big problem with Little Joe, but Pa don't want to see it. I just don't understand it. Little Joe cried like anything when Adam left, but now it's as if he don't remember Adam. I'm just tickled pink with the thought of Adam being here._ **Thank you Lord for letting Little Joe stay with Pa.**

**********

Adam arrived home and it was like he never left. We ride the range and talk all the time. Adam has so much to tell me about the East. I don't understand half of what he says but it sounds like he had a find time. He is a lot more stern now though. He even yelled at me the other day when he didn't like the way I was brandin' the cows. Now, I know Adam still thinks of me bein' his baby brother but I guess I done more farm work than Adam ever seen. Pa knows I'm a real good hand and he told Adam to stop yellin' at me, I would get it done, not to worry. Adam backed off and we got back together.

Now Adam and Little Joe is another thing. They just don't suit each other. Adam is way smart...but he has to learn that Little Joe is as smart as he is. I don't mean book learnin' but Joe is smart. He's sneaky smart. Pa says that Joe's common sense is getting' better but Pa don't see those green eyes of Joe's workin' everything out like he wants it to be. Little Joe is Pa's baby an we all get along fine...but Adam has been gone so long...that he don't like seein' Pa rockin' Little Joe at night. I know Joe is ten years old and most people think that a body should be done with rockin' but I dont' see no harm in it. It makes Pa happy and Little Joe happy. He don't carry Joe to bed very often...it's just like they need that closeness together.

"Ben, have you wired your son, Adam, about Hoss?"

_Adam and Little Joe were out on the range while Pa and I were workin' at home. Little Joe comes ridin' home like a banshee was on his tail, the tears runnin' down his face but I see a look on Joe's face I hadn't ever seen before and it was a look of mad. He was furious at Adam...and he jumps of his horse before he ever pulled it up. Pa came runnin' out of the house an asked what happened? Little Joe was so angry I thought he was goin' to start cussin'. He said that Adam had whipped him out near the old shack. I could see Pa's temper getting' riled and Pa told Joe to go wash his face and Pa got on his horse and rode off to see Adam. Pa was mad...real mad. I don't know what was said out there with Adam but I do know that Adam was never allowed to spank Little Joe again. Pa and Adam were real stand offish for days before the thing blew over but Little Joe never got over it. One thing about Little Joe he has a long memory when things don't go his way. He's the sweetest child imaginable but it doesn't pay to cross him. _

**"Adam should be here, Pa. He would want to be here."**

"Joe, he would never get here in time. It would take months of travel time from Europe. You have to understand that."

_"Little Joe I sure wouldn't want to be you when we get home tonight." Joe just threw me a look that said it didn't matter at all. Little Joe has lots of spunk but Pa was sure angry when he found that Little Joe had taken that Indian girl to the dance. Little Joe has something Adam' calls growin' pains. He wants to be grown up but at fifteen he hasn't got there yet. He's just now getting' his height and lookin' like a man._ **I wonder if I would be beautiful in Heaven? **

"Hoss, I wanted to take a pretty girl to the dance, the Chief wasn't all that mad."

"Punkin, you could have gotten us all scalped. Pa is goin' to lay into you at home. I think I'll hide in the barn until it's all over."

"Hoss....you have to talk to Pa for me. He never gets mad at you, come on, please?" Of course, I would talk to Pa but I didn't think it would much matter. Well, I was right, I could hear the yells goin' on forever in Little Joe's room, Pa has a heavy hand when he gets riled. The next morning Little Joe was a little sheepish but he was over it by noon, at least all but the part that meets the saddle.

It seems like we go from one hotspot to the next . We had the outlaws that pretended to be Indians and Little Joe got beat up in Virginia City. Little Joe thought the saloon girl Glory was right pretty and wanted to date her but Pa put a stop to that. She was pretty....blond hair and green eyes. I wish she would have looked at me, but woman dont' think I'm the right kind of beau. Problem is I'm just to big for most women. I think that scares them or something. And of course, I'm not handsome like Adam and Little Joe. Women just swoon over my brothers and they never look at me like that. I hurt somethin' awful sometimes. I'm just a big ole galoot, too big and too ugly. It's not just fair! I know I'm not suppose to feel that way but you can't make a mule, beautiful.

*************

_I fell in love with Miss Emily. She said she loved me too, but I didn't' know that she was goin' to die. I wish that she wouldn't have told me that she loved me....I feel like that was kind of cruel of her. She knew I loved her but .....I don't think I can talk about it. She was the love of my life....and now it's over. Adam, Little Joe and Pa all tried to say the right things, but sometimes a man just as to get over it by himself. Are you there Emily are you waiting for me?_ **Why is it so hot in here?**

*************

We had no more got over the ruckus caused by the outlaws than Adam got trapped in the mine. My heart was racing with fear when I found that Adam was trapped in deep below the earth. It was right horrible cause one of his best friends was killed with tons of rock on top of him. I managed to save Adam and Mr. Deisherheimer. Aw shucks...I don't think I spelt that right. I am going to remember him as the Dutchman. Adam is so smart he and that Dutch fellow made a bee hive thing that helped the miners stay safe. I'm so proud of my brother.

***********

"Pa I think that Joe will get over Miss Julia if we just give him time. When Miss Emily died I thought I couldn't stand it but I learned to live with it and I think Little Joe will too."

"Son, I'm sure you're right but Little Joe is so young. I just don't know if he can handle this or not."

"Pa....we have each other so he will bear it. He's a Cartwright, isn't he?" At Pa's thoughtful look I went outside to think about life. Miss Julia was a beauty but she was way to old for Little Joe. Sometimes I think my Pa will let Joe make any mistake he wants then Pa will pick up the pieces. I would have dragged Little Joe home and tied him down, but maybe Pa is right an I'm not. Our love lives are not going at all well. For me it don't really matter cause I'm still a galoot but Little Joe needs women. It's like he's drawn to them like a bee to nectar. He buzzes around until he lights on the next one. Now Adam he is so serious he takes his time with women, you can't really tell what he's thinking about.

_I did somethin' right mean to Little Joe. I knew he was afraid of heights...always has been. This man name Johnny came to our house. He was experimenting with balloon air ships that would fly in the sky. It was a great wondrous thing and I would have shore loved to go floating around up there, it's just like a big bird and I would hope everyone would try it! Anyway, I snuck up on Little Joe asleep in the basket and I let out the rope, he went way high in the air and it was the doggone best joke I have ever played on him. He woke up and started screaming to beat the band! I hauled him down, he crawled out of the basket, walked over to me and struck me as hard as he could on the jaw....he was so proud of himself. I lay there until he walks away from me and start laughin' so hard....Joe's hits are something like love pats to me! OH...Joey! Rock a bye Joey way up in the sky! _

*********

_Believe it or not I am love in love again with Margie Owens. She is so beautiful with big blue eyes. I have loved her since we were kids together but it wasn't until recently I worked up the nerve to tell her I loved her. She looked at me in the strangest way then said that was nice. Not quite the response I was looking for but she sure is something. I have found her a lovely horse for an engagement present. I am going to ask her tonight!__**I think Adam made the wrong choice....I'm not going to be here for Pa and Joe....**_**where am I going?**

I can't hardly write in this birthday book. Margie chose another man over me and left with him. I had to leave myself for a while, Margie broke my heart. Her Pa didn't hear from her for a long time then he asked me to check on her....I found her in the hospital getting ready to have a baby, she was in despair with her marriage, she simply let go and died. I took her baby home to her father. I guess I'm not meant to have a woman in my life, it must be a curse for the men of our family. Joe with Julia then Amy Bishop. One woman after another we are not just husband material. I wish that Joe and Adam and I could find good women and raise a passel of kids. I wonder if Emily and Margie are friends in Heaven?

"Pa, you have to rest....I'll stay with Hoss...I have too, Pa."

"Adam is engaged to be married to Laura Dayton. She's right pretty, not my type but she's seems real refined. I heard Adam and Pa talking about Laura, if Adam wanted to marry her or not. Now, Pa is not always the best judge of character. I don't mean that I don't respect my Pa but he sometimes don't get it right. He should leave Adam alone to make his own decisions. Adam is already in his thirties and he needs to get married to have kids. I want to be an Uncle and Little Joe would love it. Joe sure does loved kids, course, he nothing but a big kid himself. I guess most people know that Joe is my best friend in life.

We met a new cousin named Will. I like him a lot. He is very tall, strong and handsome just like my brother's. He is good company and can tell a good story, making me laugh like no tomorrow. He is going to stay with us awhile.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea with cousin Will being here. Laura, Adam's fiance fell in love with our cousin. I know they didn't mean too, but I can't forget the look on Adam's face. I'm not sure if he loved Laura enough but it had to hurt...and I know exactly how it feels when another man takes your woman. Adam had a double blow after he fell from the house he was building Laura....he was not able to walk for quite a time. He's still favoring his back. I am really scared. I think Adam is going to leave us, he can't accept his life right now, he wants to see the world and I can't stand for him to go. He's part of my life that will always be with me.

"Adam I sure wish you weren't leaving but I do understand. I mean my time with women as been....very unhappy. I think the only gal I can get along with is Dixie at the Bucket of Blood, but I don't think Pa would be approving that match." Both brothers raised their eyebrows and broke into laughter.

"Hoss, I know that I'm leaving Pa and Little Joe in your capable hands. They both need you, but they can do without me. Haven't you ever realized how much the family depends on you? You keep Little Joe and I on a even keel, you keep Pa happy, and your the best rancher in the state. I know the Ponderosa is safe in your hands. Please don't begrudge me my time alone. I have to see the world, it's going to be an adventure!" Adam spoke softly, "all the wonders of the world...I can't even imagine the different cultures and mores that I will learn. I will write you regularly, but please let me go with your approval."

_Hoss reached over gathering his brother into his arms. "You got it and don't your worry about Pa and Little Joe I have them wrapped around this little finger." Hoss lifted his pinky finger in the air laughing at Adam's expression. "Your problem and Little Joe's is that you thought Pa loved you best when it's always been me."_ **I'm so tired why can't I rest? The pencil is so heavy to hold, if only I could lay it down. **

Well, Adam left and that is all there is too say on the subject.

_I guess I'll write about Little Joe for awhile to take my mind off of Adam. Most people think that Little Joe is the little Prince around here, but he ain't like that at all. Oh, he has a smile that melts your heart and laughter with giggles that makes you break out in a belly laugh. But, he's also serious when he has to be. I want to write about a time he helped me. I must have been about twenty four and the girls were laughin' behind my back, but Little Joe knows everything that is going on. He made sure that ever one of those girls knew how disappointed he was in them, and of course, he couldn't date anyone he didn't admire. It turned into a comedy of errors, but the short of it, I ended up with two girls and Little Joe had a black eye!_

Joe and I try to get the best of each other. Why those pesky rabbits was a contention between us. He was not going to kill my Derby Royals. No way no how. Now Pa said half of them were Joe's but killing them Derby's was like killing family. Why am I on top of the mountain? I remember I'm learning to fly....Ponderosa Birdman, I still say that idea would have worked.

**"Pa, it's a miracle. A wire just came from Virginia City, Adam is in San Francisco, he'll be home in a few days. I guess God is looking out for Hoss, Pa. I...." the tears slid down Joe's face....he fell to his knees beside Hoss's bed, "I love you, brother." **

_I guess that's the darn maddest I have ever seen my brother, Little Joe. I thought he was goin' kill Red Twilight. I didn't want him too....but Joe takes my being hurt real serious like. I remember when we was kids that Joe saw a larger boy than me push me into the pond. Joe must have been like six or seven and he come runnin' up there with fire in his green eyes.....he rammed his head into the boy's stomach knocking him into the pond with me! I was so surprised I started laughing so hard that Denny started laughin' with me. We looked liked two fools settin' in the cold water laughing our heads off._ **My goodness I can feel that cold water now right on my skin. **

_I wish Adam wouldn't have become between me and Regan. No sir. Regan was so beautiful that to marry a man like me would have been a miracle all in it's self. Regan was not the girl for me...and Adam knew that but I still see Adam and Regan kissing in the yard...it drove a spike right through my heart, done near killed me. Course, afterwards Adam and I are still blood brothers and I forgave him....but it was mighty sweet while it lasted._**Will God forgive me for that?** _How many others, outlaws trying to rob us.........._

Why there is Billy, haven't seen him since he left to live with his aunt and uncle. I killed his Pa. I didn't mean to do it, honest it was an accident. How many men have I killed in this life? I remember the man that held Joe and I up on the way to Mexico. I just hit him to hard....I didn't mean to kill him. Then I hit Red Twilight's brother and how many more?

**"Pa it's been three days and Adam still isn't here....where can he be? Should I ride out and look for him?"**

"No....Candy, would you go for us? Joe and I need to be here."

"Of course, Mr. Cartwright."

_That Adam he sure has a way with them Senorita's. Every time we go to town you see one hanging off his arm in the Cantina. Mostly we stay at the Bucket of Blood or the Silver Dollar but Adam gets a hankering for somethin' different and we come to the Cantina. They play real lively music and they dance them stompin dances....I like it a lot. I told Adam that we should bring Joe here but Adam shook his head....real serious like...and said, " Hoss....we are the King of the Roost right now...if Little Joe is here....what do you think will happen?_ **Oh...Lordy!**

Well I thought about that then had to agree....Little Joe is handsome, has a little money....and he's a lover. No...better not to tell Little Joe, after all.

I don't think I can eat another flapjack. Little Joe coached me for the flapjack contest, but I am getting really full. What is going on? Why is Little Joe breakin' all them panes of glass? There's shootin' goin' on. I better check this out. Wouldn't you know it, Joe has caught the bank robbers and got the reward, he is the luckiest son of a gun. Uh oh.....there is Adam wanted his money for the ruby.....What? Joe wants my money! Uh...guess I better finish that flapjack contest.

I didn't mean to lose the money for the thoroughbred horse, I just sat down for a little game of poker. Adam was in a snit let me say, right here book, that he was plumb mad. Then of course Little Joe decided to ride that little black horse....who knew that horse would beat ours....well....with Little Joe anything is possible so I made a side bet against Adam's horse. Whoo ee Joe's horse came in first! ....Adam is rollin' up his sleeves he's gonna beat me black and blue...but I think I can outrun him!

The steps on the stairs sounded so loud that Hoss started to wake but then he settled back into sleep.

"How is he?" Adam was worn out and dirty from the trip, but he stood strong for his father. "Has he woken up?"

'No...nothing. I'm glad you got here son. We don't know if Hoss will make it or not." Ben turned away from his children trying to stop his tears. He felt Adam's arms encircle him, holding him tight. It felt so good. "We missed you, Adam. Hoss was only saying a couple of days that maybe you would be home soon."

"Oh...Pa."

_Pa is getting tired with all this work, I'm glad we hired Candy Canaday. He's been a good friend to the whole family. I know that Candy will be there for my family if he is needed. I don't like to think of Little Joe and Pa havin' to cope with all the work alone. If only Adam would come home._ **This pencil is workin' it's way down to a stub. I need a new pencil, Pa.**

"Pa, the world turned out to be a wondrous place but I missed you. I wanted to return home several times but then I would hear about a new place and I would just have to go to see it. I guess I'm a lot like you, Pa. You sailed the seas before you settled down and I must do the same. "

"Adam, I'm happy that you realized your dream." Ben glanced over at his middle son who remained unmoving in bed. How could this have happened? He had tried to save a little girl from drowning....she still lives because of him....but am I going to lose my son? He swallowed to much water, caught pneumonia and now lays in an coma. God, you have to save him. All our lives revolve around Hoss and our love for him.

_Looky there. It is Clay Stafford. Havent' seen him in a while. He's my brother Joe's big brother. Sounds confusing, but it's not. Wonder where he went too? Why is Clay standing in that bright light? He motioning to me....better go see._

"Hey Clay, Little Joe is sure goin' to be glad to see ya."

"He will some day, Hoss. But right now it is you I want to see. How about goin' into the light with me? There are many people waiting to see you."

Hoss craned his neck forward looking into the light. "Who's in there?"

"Everyone you have loved and lost."

"Really." Hoss took a step forward when he felt the pencil in his hand. "I have to finish writin' my life. Pa says you have to finish everything you set to do. I don't want to disappoint my Pa, Clay. You go on....I'll see ya later." Clay faded away and Hoss was back at his desk writing in his birthday book.

It sure seems a shame that no one is ever gonna read my book but me. I need to tell Joe.

**Joe had walked across every room twenty times tonight. Sometimes he just had to move. He wasn't use to sitting around day upon day. He was so thankful that Adam had come home but he also like having Hoss to himself, especially if ....." Joe wiped his eyes and sat down on the coffee table, seeing the checkers game that he and Hoss had been playing before the accident. He moved one piece without thinking, Joe was known for his cheating....when it finally hit him....Hoss would be gone...to never play another game with him again.**

Adam heard Joe sobbing as he came down the steps. His father was sitting with Hoss so he could get some rest. "Joe, you okay?" Joe green eyes simmered with tears...he couldn't speak....he just held out his arms to his brother who came to hug him hard. "Shh...I'm right here. Remember when you were little and I would hold you until you would stop crying? Hoss was right here by your side, patting you on the back."

Joe nodded his head....the pain was almost to much to bear. "Adam, we have to save Hoss.....I love him so much....he's my best friend in the world." Adam swayed with Joe in arms as if he was rocking him, back and forth.

"Joe, we never know when it will be our time. We have to take care of Pa because I think this is enough to kill him. We have to be strong for him."

"Adam, are you leaving after...." Joe couldn't say it.

"I don't know yet. I have another life Joe, the sea calls to me. You have to realize that..."

"Stop it!" Joe pushed away from Adam, "it's always something with you. I don't care if you stay or not!" Joe ran up the steps pausing outside of Hoss' door. He walked around the room when he happen to notice a open book on the desk. Picking it up he realized it was Hoss' birthday book. Now it would never be filled. Sitting down on the floor with his back to wall, Joe read the last passage in the book.

_"We're goin' to the picnic today and maybe I'll see Miss Sadie. She is one beautiful woman and I would love to get a kiss from her! I can just see Little Joe makin' off with her but I'm taking a special surprise for her. I got some pretty wildflowers to give her, I'll get her yet._

I have to ask Joe what we should get for Pa's birthday this year. I'm thinkin' a new saddle but Joe might have another idea. Joe is real smart when it comes to makin' people happy. I will go with whatever he thinks. The days sure are pretty this year. It must be nigh on to twenty three years since Pa got me startin' writing in these books. My brother's always think that this is the same book.....ha! this is my tenth book to date. I have em all stored in the cedar box. It's good to read back sometimes in your life. I will never be able to fill them with all the love I have felt for my family, though. I hope I live a long life....."

**Joe broke into sobs...."please don't leave me Hoss".**

Jamie had stayed out of the way he knew that the family barely knew he was there. He had met Adam but he didn't think he fit inside the family very well. At this Jamie smiled... maybe Adam felt like he did sometimes.

_Adam says I was always a good samaritan. I just had to save that little girl, the current was taking her down the river and she would have drown for sure. I really jumped in without thinking about it. One minute I was nice and dry and then next soaking wet. It sure did scare me because I didn't think I was goin' reach her then I put out my hand and she floated right to me. We was goin' mighty fast when I saw Joe ridin' to beat the band to throw me a rope. Whew, that kid can sure ride! I got that rope and felt my muscles tense up tight, but Cochise he pulled me and the girl from the river. We was laying on the bank and people were hollered and prayin' that I had saved little Nellie May from drowin". I was so tired...but so happy, Oh Lordy, I done saved that baby._.

I''ve been in layin' in bed ever since. I am plumb tired. I just don't understand where my strength went...I'm always so strong. I been writin' in this here book a long time....but everything keeps getting hazy. Pa had the doctor here again this morning....and I'm coughin' somethin' terrible. Course, Hop Sing has been bringing me everything I want to eat....but I just ain't hungry.

Little Joe keeps poppin' in here like a jack rabbit. He misses me I can tell. We been close all our lives. He has never done a thing without me. I helped him learn to ride a horse, throw a lariat, speak softly to the animals, call birds, hunt and every other thing worth doin'. I'm kind of like a second Pa to Little Joe but Pa would never approve me sayin' that . I diapered that boy more than anyone in the house. Marie would laugh at me when I begged her to take care of Joe. She said that Little Joe was very tempermental but I just don't see it. When he saw me come in the door he smiled like sunshine welcoming me home.

Why Little Joe and I we played tricks on each other since he was a baby. I remember when he was five and Pa and Ma left him home with me. Well, one thing led to another and I dressed him up like a little girl, he sure was cute. Little Joe was prancin' and dancin' around when these outlaws broke into the house. They grabbed up Little Joe runnin' off with him, and I was yellin for them to stop. But, no, they made their escape with Little Joe hanging on to the front of their saddle. Pa had to put out a description of Little Joe with his clothes and all and I have to tell ya I was mighty embarrassed to say he was wearing petticoats with ruffles. I don't know if Joe will ever forgive me for that.

Well, those kidnappers didn't take to my little brother at all. There they were out in the middle of nowhere when Little Joe says, "I got to go." Well, those men didn't know what to do about a girl, and that is when my baby brother gets an idea. "I have to go," and he commences cryin' like all get out. So they stop their horses, set him on the ground and tell him to go behind the rock. Little Joe runs behind the rock but he doesn't stop he keeps going until he reaches a thicket of trees then burrows his way inside. Now those men are yelling, sayin' come here sweety…..darlin…..sugar pie…and Little Joe says he thought he was goin' be sick. He just stayed quiet until those men gave up and rode away. Now Joe he starts walkin' back home but he runs into Pa, first. Course, Pa takes one look at his son in petticoats and starts laughin' like all get out and that makes my brother mad. By the time he gets home Joe is madder than a wet hen, so he gets off Pa's horse and strides into the house, see's me and butts me in the stomach with his head. I go flyin' backward and hit the staircase so hard it comes apart. They was the first time that staircase ever got broke. He flies on top of me and starts pounding away until Pa saves me. Whew! I sure do love that boy

**Oh Lordy,** _I can't leave Little Joe. He needs me. There is nothin' that boy hasn't gotten up to and I'm the one that gets him out of his troubles.....well....he might get me a bit in trouble...but I can't leave him. _

**Ben looked at the bedroom door to see Jaime standing there quietly. Good Lord he had forgotten about his youngest son during all this turmoil. Joe and Adam had not mentioned Jamie one time and he had been so upset that he had lost track of time. "Jaime, come in son."**

"Pa, I don't want to intrude with Hoss so sick."

"Come on." Ben motioned for Jaime to sit beside him on the old couch they had brought into Hoss' room. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk to you. Hoss'.....Hoss is so ill." Jamie saw Ben's eyes fill with tears.

"Pa...I love Hoss too. I feel like my intruding into your lives but I...."

"Jamie, don't be silly. Your my son and Hoss' brother, just like Joseph and Adam." Jamie nodded as he leaned against Ben, feeling his father put his arm around him. He felt safe for the first time since Hoss' accident.

_I won't tell Pa if Adam keeps his word. I was supposed to go to school today but I wanted to go hunting with the rest of my friends. We were huntin' when Eddy says, "Hey, Hoss, isn't that your brother's horse?" I looked and sure enough there was old Sport tied to the tree branch. I looked around but couldn't see my brother near by. "Sure is. You guys go on ahead, I'm goin' to talk to Adam for a minute." They races away while I dismounted and tied Chubby to the tree. Where could Adam be? I started toward the lake when I heard Adam laughin' with someone. I hurried forward then froze. There was Adam with Amy Smith and they were swimmin' in the water, buck naked. I hunkered down behind the rock and watched them. There was no way they could see me hidden in the rocks. They were swimmin' around then Adam would pull her underneath the water then she would pop back up, screamin' and carrin' on. They were havin' a good time...I could tell. Pretty soon they start to head for shore and I hurried and turned my back so I can't see nuthin', Oh Lordy.....Adam was goin' be in big trouble if'n Pa ever found out._**OH Lordy**_....I turned bright red._

"Adam, don't." I hear Amy say softly. But her don't sounds like a "do" instead. I keep my head turned and covered my ears...I don't want to know what they are doin'.

"Amy, we have to go. Let's get dressed." They walked up the incline talking so loving I feel like I should be blushing. I had know idea that Adam did those kind of things. He wasn't married or nothin'.

I heard Adam ride away on his horse and I slid out behind the rock. I thought it was all clear when I see Adam five feet from me.....

"Hoss...did you see everything?"

"I...I....I hid my eyes...honest Adam." I blushed to the roots of my hair.

"I see." Adam looked like he was staring a whole straight through me.

"I won't tell Pa, Adam. I don't want to ever see anything like that again." I could tell this amused him.

"Why aren't you at school?"

"We played hooky, today, the guys and me."

"Guys?" Adam looked quickly around the area. "Did the guys see us?"

"NO! Of course not....I let them ride on and I thought I'd see what you were doing. I mean...what you werent' doin'! I mean..."

"Stop. I understand. We need to leave, I have to get my horse from Amy. You can give me a ride to town."

"Adam, you ain't goin' tell Pa I played hooky are ya?"

"No...and I think we'll keep this afternoon between the two of us, alright? "

"Sure." Adam rode behind me on my horse and I all I could think of was that deep lake water."

**Hoss chuckled aloud causing everyone in the room to look at him. **

_My mind feels it is on a hot tin roof. I keep hoppin' around like I can't stay in one place. Adam was so young then....I feel like an old man when I think back on those days. I miss Adam ...he's leavin' caused me to feel like I lost a best friend. Don't get me wrong, Little Joe is my best friend in the world but Adam was like Pa. He made me safe inside in my heart. I wish I could see him one more time. _

**"Paul, he laughed, we all heard him. Is he coming out of it?"**

"Ben, I don't know. The mind is so strange, we can't be certain of anything. I am sure he is dreaming. Something made him happy....and I think that is a good sign."

_I guess most people would think my brothers and I are real lucky men. We grew up in a beautiful house with lovely furnishings. We have a cook who also keeps are house sparklin' clean, he's a good friend who is more like family. And though Pa don't like us spreadin' it around we are rich. Yep....it's amazing but we worked so hard and my Pa and Adam are so rich that they made us rich. That's what people see when they see the Cartwright's. The money and the land. My Pa has said so many times that he would give his land away to save his sons. I wonder ....'_ **Oh Lordy**_, that would make me laugh. Then Pa would blow on my tummy making sucking noises and I would giggle so hard I would roll up in a ball. Lord I loved my Pa._

There is no better man in the world than my Pa. He is our rock in the world. He's honorable, courageous, honest, and a good man at heart. I'm deeply proud to be the son of Ben Cartwright. He raised us with a firm but loving hand. I don't say the love word very often but I do love my father. I want to help him in every way I can. When we were in the covered wagon when I was little he would take me on his lap and kiss my toes.

Adam would watch us and I would grab his hand to pull him into the game. Sometimes Adam would play with us but mostly he just watched, he always needed to be alone....not that he was alone, we were a family, but he is different. I'm just a big old galoot while Adam is fine linen. I could never understand how that happened. God was playin' a trick on Pa I guess.

**Pa, I have so many questions to ask of God. I guess the most important is,"does he really need Hoss in Heaven? I think he needs to let him stay here with us, Hoss is the best person in the world, and I'm......not. " Joe raised his hand, "Please Pa. I would trade places with Hoss in a minute. I mean what can I do that Hoss isn't able to do? You need him so, I could leave and you wouldn't even miss me."**

Ben smiled on his younger son,Joe would never stand how hard this was for him. He could never trade one son over another. "Joe...have you heard the saying, "count your blessings?"

"Sure, but what does that have to do with this?"

"Joe, you, Hoss and Adam are my blessings. Each of you are as important as the other. I don't ever want Hoss to leave us, but I could never wish you take his place. Do you understand?"

_Hoss kept hearing something at the edge of his conscious. People speaking....Little Joe was upset maybe even crying. He never could stand to have his baby brother in tears. He had walked him for hours as a baby, rocking him, taking him outside to take his mind off crying. Joe cried more than ten babies put together._ **"Joe? JOE?"**

'Pa! Pa!" Joe fell to his knees beside the bed. "Hoss, do you hear me?" Joe wiped the tears from his face, but the tears couldn't be contained. "Hoss."

'Joe? Where's Pa?"

"Here son." Ben sat down on the side of the bed taking his son's hand firmly. "I'm here, son."

"Pa, I've all most finished that Birthday Book." Hoss spoke so softly that Ben leaned forward to hear him.

"That's fine son. I knew you could do it." At Joe's look of confusion, Ben shook his head at him.

"I loved that book, Pa. I know you meant for me to practice my writin' but I have enjoyed writin' my feelin's.'

"I knew you would, Hoss. " Ben drew Hoss' hand to his lips, "I have a surprise for you, son. Adam is here to see you." Hoss for a moment seemed to brighten'.

"Adam? Where is he?"

'Joe, get Adam, hurry." Joe ran from the room yelling his brother's name. It was only a few seconds before Adam ran into the room.

"What's happened?" Adam took a deep breath then saw that Hoss was awake looking at him. "Hoss." Adam walked quickly to the bed, sat on the other side of Hoss and took his hand.

Hoss chuckled, " You're surrounding me." Adam and Ben looked at each other and smiled. Joe stood by the door feeling secluded but couldn't stay away.

"Hoss, you scared me." Joe knelt by the head of the bed putting his hand on his brother's chest.

"I'm sorry, Joe. I kind of scared myself." Hoss took a deep breath then let it out slowly. "Joe, I saw Clay earlier, he wants to take me into the light."

Joe eyes dilated with alarm, "What ? Clay?" Joe turned to look at Adam and his father. Adam shook his head. "Clay.....Clay can't take into you into the light."

"Sure, he can Joe. He says there is a lot of people I know there. I just can't go until I finish the book..." Hoss closed his eyes and slept. The three men who surrounded him with love were terrified that Hoss would let go.

"Pa....is Clay dead?" Joe raised stricken eyes to his father.

"Joe, I'm sure he's fine....Hoss is hallucinating. Don't worry." Ben's eyes fell to his middle son praying that Hoss would stay with them.

_Hoss sat by the lake with his fishing line bobbing away. He loved to fish but he wished Joe was with him. He turned his head to see Clay sitting beside him. "Are you ready to go yet, Hoss?"_

"No....I haven't finished my book yet."

"Why are you fishing? "

"I don't know." Hoss scrunched up his face, why was he fishing? Where was Joe, he was so tired, he had just saved that little girls life. "I cant breathe very well....my chest hurts."

"It will be okay....just let it go, Hoss. Breathe out."

Hoss let the breath slide from his body, but he thought he heard a scream in the distance, he tried to breathe again, but the air wouldn't enter his body. He didn't hurt anymore, in fact he felt wonderful. He turned to face his brother's brother but Clay was standing near the light.

"Come on, Hoss. You have to come with me."

**"Oh Lordy**..." Hoss hesitated he wasn't too sure he wanted to leave this life. **"Oh....Lordy."**

_The light brightened with a vague shape coming out of the mist..." Marie? Mama?"_**"OH...Lordy"** _was heard before the light dimmed._

"Oui, Hoss....but there is someone with me. " Hoss saw a beautiful woman stride forward, he wasn't sure....then he saw the love shining in her face,"Mama?"

"Yes, Eric." They melted into each other arms.....the light brightened, and a soft,

**Five months later, Ben received a telegram informing them of Clay Stafford's death. He had been killed over a poker game six months earlier. Joe still could not accept Hoss' passing and now he found he had lost another brother. He lived in fear that Adam would leave him too.**

Time passed when Adam decided to leave for Europe. The ranch was running fine, his Pa had taken back over the reins of the Ponderosa, Joe was coping as best as he could with the loss of Hoss. If only he could help his little brother accept Hoss' loss.

"Pa, we have too do something. Joe can't keep on like this. I fear for his life, he's so upset."

"Adam, Joe will get over it , we just have to give him time to come to terms with his brother's loss. Please let him mourn Hoss in his own way."

"I just can't leave home like this. I must do something."

Joe sat on the mountain that next Sunday morning. This was Hoss' favorite place in the world, they called it Hoss Heaven. The lake was shimmering below in the valley. "Hoss' are you there?" Joe waited but didn't hear any voice on high speaking to him. There was nothing there, Pa said God watched over you, but he had not watched over Hoss' on the most important day of his life.

Joe kept waiting but he didn't know why? What was passed was passed as Hoss' always said. "Hoss' if I could only talk to you." A sound alerted Joe as someone climbed the hill. "Who is it?"

"Hello, boy. I'm just passin' through." A old man with white hair was leading a mule behind him. "It is right pretty here isn't it?"

"Yes...," Joe turned his eyes away to stare into the distance.

"I hope you don't mind if I rest a spell. It sure is hot today." As the old man sat down next to Joe wiping his face with a handkerchief. "Do you live close to here, son?"

"You're on my property, the Ponderosa."

"Oh....Lordy, it's hot, isn't it?"

"What did you say?" Joe jumped up moving away from the old man. "Don't say that!"

"What? What's the matter? What did I say?" The man stared hard at Joe.

"Nothing....nothing. I have to go home." Joe started to stride away when the old man spoke again softly.

"Yep, sure is a pretty place just a small piece of Heaven." Joe turned to stone afraid to move.

"Why did you say that?"

"Don't know, exactly. I mean it's just the sort of place a body would want to be. I knew a man once who used that phrase. "A piece of Heaven is right up there on that mountain." So, I decided to walk up here."

"What did the man look like?"

"Oh...a big fellow, broad shoulders maybe six foot four. Happy sort of guy."

"That was my brother, Hoss." Joe sat down near the old man. The man was a stranger but all at once Joe' started reminiscing about Hoss and he couldn't stop. It was an hour before he talked himself out. "I'm sorry... "

"It's alright son. I must be on my way. Nice to have met you." The old man turned to leave then said quickly, "He loved you, Joe. He said that he had the best little brother around." Joe's tears washed his face but he smiled. The two men parted in different directions. Joe rode home with a lighter heart, talking about Hoss made him feel so happy. The old man walked down the path then pulled his mule to a stop. He waited for a few minutes when he saw the man that had hired him come riding toward him.

"I did what you told me, Mr." The old man held his hand out and money was placed in it.

"Thank you." Adam rode away feeling guilt along with hope. Everything would be fine, it just had to be.

The old man waited for Adam Cartwright to leave then chuckled out loud with a deep belly laugh. "Oh...Lordy." The sky blue eyes looked out over Hoss Heaven. "Oh...Lordy."


End file.
